Where have all the close ties gone?

I joined the Farmgirl Sisterhood, created a local chapter and started this blog for a couple of reasons. One was to meet like minded women and create some long lasting close friendships. Another was to share what I know and learn from what others know. I succeeded at one of these and failed at the other which has left me in deep thought for several months. So I will continue with the success part of this adventure and share what I know and hopefully learn from what you know.


I wonder if my definition of friend does not match the current societal definition. For me, a friend is a deep bond or tie shared with another person. It's being comfortable calling this person at 2am to cry because I know she knows she could call me at 2am to cry. It's sharing my deep dark secrets and knowing I am still OK because this person hasn't abandoned me yet. It's being one of the first to hear her fabulous news and her having the time to let me celebrate it with her. It's still making time for each other even though we have work or family obligations that could easily cause us to drift apart and simply not allowing that to happen. It's a bond created by two unrelated people that is as strong or stronger than a blood bond because the relationship is a choice not a chance. It's the older lady that one sees as a mother figure or the 'soul' sister you would defend as fiercely as a real sister. It's like the YaYa Sisterhood!

Maybe I am wrong. I look at people on facebook who proudly display their "friend" numbers like a collection of medals and I think how odd. In my humble opinion these are not friendships, these are acquaintances. These are old high school, college or work chums you used to have beer with but who you haven't seen or talked to in 2, 3,5+ years. Maybe it makes people to feel better to look at that facebook page and see 267 or 579 FRIENDS. Is this a contest? Maybe I am the odd one because I continue to search for deep connections in a digital world. I don't know.

I had a best friend up until marriage. We met in the third grade. I moved to another state so my husband at the time could get a degree and she had babies. We had that tie that I talked about earlier. It waned a little when boys came into the picture, but it was still there. Eventually geography, time and different lives chipped away at our closeness. I moved back home and we tried to resume the bond. It just was't the same. Finally the tie was broken over the purchase of a house of all things. Sadly we haven't talked for nearly 7 years. I still love her, wish the best for her and think of her often. At least some ties remain even if faint. We thought we would be old and gray together so this is a very sad story in my life. I am grateful for the time we had.

I loved my mother dearly and I was close to her, but not as close as I would have liked. She had some demons to fight and I couldn't be the one to help her. Regretfully she died too soon. I can never get that lost time back, I wish we could have had more time but I do and always did love her with all my heart. Now that she's gone I put her on a pedestal and keep her safe there.

I have had lots of friends throughout the years. Some I met in school, others at work or social groups. But never anyone with that bond I keep talking about. Life changes, people move, get married, have babies and drift apart. That is natural and normal. I am grateful for all those people who were in my life for a time and I think back on them fondly. Yet I keep searching for that ever evading tie that I can feel in my heart and that they feel too. It's like a big black hole that I can't fill up with any of the things I do have.

I keep searching for the answer of why this tie is so hard to obtain. These are my thoughts surrounding it:

Do the only true sisterly relationships come from blood?
Is there something wrong with me?
Maybe I'm a doormat, maybe I'm a b*^@h, maybe I am too sensitive, maybe I don't have anything to offer, maybe I am crazy, maybe I am unreasonable or have unrealistic expectations, maybe I'm hard to get along with, maybe I'm annoying, maybe I smell bad, maybe I am too this, that or the other.
Maybe people don't want that type of connection in a digital age.
Maybe people are getting this type of bond from their husband (uh, don't think so!).
Maybe people are too busy these days.
Maybe those bonds never really existed (but I KNOW they did, I felt it and it was real).
Maybe its harder to make friends after college because lives are too different.
Maybe the only friend you need is the friend you are to yourself (my inner Buddha comes out once in a while!).
Maybe this is an only child, an HSP or an INFJ problem (yep, triple whammy for me).
Maybe it is a combination of all these things.

I got married last year and I inherited a sister in law and a mother in law. At first I thought I hit the mother load. A whole family and I get to be part of it! Instead I am an outsider infiltrating their close knit family and stealing the boy away. I tried to bond with my sister in law but I don't think she is interested and there is some weird competition between us that I cannot understand. My mother in law is a kind and fair woman. I think we respect and appreciate each others talents and gifts, but getting very close just didn't work for whatever reason in this particular family. Being an only child it's likely I don't understand the complicated relationships of siblings and mothers and sons. Or maybe I just tend to overstep my bounds. Again...I don't know.

I met some wonderful ladies through my sisterhood. Talented and kind, but very busy and perhaps not as needing of the close ties I was trying to find. I found myself getting hurt because others always seemed to mean more to me than I did to them. I couldn't find the reciprocation if that makes sense. How can someone be your best friend when you are not their best friend? How does that even work? Well...it doesn't. At least not very well. It's no ones fault and no one has done anything wrong...it just boils down to differences in life, in personality, in family, in time available, etc. etc. etc. Going back to that triple whammy. I am an only child (of a dysfunctional family), I am a highly sensitive person (HSP) and I am an INFJ (Myers Briggs personality). All of these things are minorities in today's world. Does that make me strange and too different? Maybe. I don't know.

Anyway, I have exposed my deepest darkest feelings for you all to see. I did it because here is where I learn from you. Is there anyone else out there who feels this way or has this problem? Is there anyone out there searching for ties or has the world of face book conquered the world that used to be? My goal is to reach out to anyone suffering from this ache and let them know, you are not the only one. If it is all me and I am the problem then I will bravely face that fact and do what I can to rectify the situation then try again. But maybe, just maybe I am not alone in this and there are others searching the internet for how to make friends after 40 or childless ladies looking for other childless ladies or mothers for the motherless.

I know it is likely that this post will not get any response or answers. That is OK. I have put it out there into the great web and maybe someone will see it and say "Aha! Its NOT just me!" If so, then I will count this post a success.