Farmgirls Never Underestimate the Power of Friends!

I value my friends. Every one of them. It doesn’t matter if we lost touch because one of us moved. It doesn’t matter if we had a falling out at some point and no longer communicate. It doesn’t matter what they look like, what they do for a living, their size or shape, what clothes they wear, how many children they have or don’t have, what foods they eat or don’t eat, how they wear their hair or what color it is, how old or young they are, if they are city girls or country girls. I value them all because they are all unique and special….every single one of them. They all have different strengths and weaknesses. Some of them help me, I help some of them and some of us help each other. They are my friends and I love them.

I cannot understand then why so many women are downright hateful to other women. Sometimes the aggression is very obvious. The blatant disregard that the woman under attack is a human being and worthy of civility at the very least. You know what I’m talking about; the silent treatment that goes on for months, demeaning comments, extreme criticism, hostility, nastiness, accusations, refusal to seek resolution. Sometimes the aggression is veiled and passive aggressive. Withholding kind words, fake “concern” that is really a veiled criticism, holding a person at arm’s length, spreading rumors, gossip, sugary sweet “compliments” that you can tell are lies, refusing to reciprocate kindness and friendship. Honestly I don’t know which is worse. I’ve been on the receiving end of both and they both hurt like hell. I don’t expect to like or connect with every person I meet and I don’t expect every person to like or connect with me. But I DO expect to be treated with r-e-s-p-e-c-t.

Two women in my life are currently causing me tremendous stress. One is a woman at work who is taking the obvious aggressive route. Another is a woman who has for the past 6 years chosen the veiled aggression route. I cannot remove either one of them from my life. Both lay 100% of the blame at my feet and I can’t for the life of me understand what I have done wrong. If I did I would make it right, but I don’t understand and they won’t tell me. I have scoured the internet and read way too many books trying to find out why they would be so angry and so unwilling to forgive. I’m willing. I’ve reached out to both of them and both of them have responded with attacks on not only my character, but my physical appearance!

My research has led me to one thing that seems to tear women apart and put us at each other’s throats. Jealousy. Insecurity. Envy. Competition. When you boil them down, they are really the same thing. One thing I have learned in my life, women can hurt me more than any man ever could.

My dear sisters...why must we tear each other down? We should be building each other up! We ALL hurt. We ALL feel insecure. We ALL feel envy and jealousy. We do NOT need to compete with each other. We may not face the same issues in life, but we all face issues. When you look at the woman next door or in the next cube or at your friend or the new member of your family, you don’t know what troubles she is facing. You don’t know how painful her past or present is. Maybe she is being abused at home, maybe her husband is having an affair, maybe she is facing financial troubles, maybe she lost a child or cannot have them, maybe she doesn’t have any family and is lonely, maybe she is suffering with a health issue, maybe her children are suffering a health issue, maybe she is caring for aging parents, maybe someone she loves is an alcoholic, maybe there is a homeless issue or a recent death. Maybe her life really is perfect (very doubtful since nothing is ever perfect). The point is you don’t know because you are not in her shoes. So what good does it do to compare her life to yours? When are we going to learn that we are ALL special, unique, talented, needed, wanted, valued, strong, weak, wounded and needing of something? We all have flaws and things we don't like about ourselves. These things are no reason to attack our sisters because they have them too.

My promise to all the women out there is that I will not judge you. If I hurt you I didn’t mean to. If we have conflict I will seek resolution. If you hurt me I will give you the benefit of the doubt before deciding you are a terrible person. I will speak truth but with care. If you hurt me repeatedly and refuse to have a relationship with me I will respect your feelings and I will be gentle with you in my mind and heart (not an easy thing to do, but do-able!). I will know that we are not all the same. I will understand that such behavior probably has more to do with your unresolved issues than anything I’ve done and I will wish you well on your journey (conscious or unconscious) to resolve them. I will love you from afar.

What I will not do is carry your burden because you dump it on me. I will not take responsibility for your feelings….only my behavior. I will not be your person of target, scapegoat or whipping girl. I will not tolerate your abuse. My reasons for writing this post on the Farmgirl blog is that I will not tolerate this type of mistreatment in this sisterhood. I will not allow my friends to be treated with disrespect, contempt and aggression. This is a sisterhood. We come together to build each other up, learn from each other, teach each other, help each other and commune with each other the way women are supposed to. With kindness, love, compassion and friendship. Competition, jealousy and aggression are not welcome. If you have these things in your heart and on your mind I hope you can eliminate them because they hurt you too. When you are finally free, please join us. We are waiting for you! For those of you who already understand the power of female friends, I welcome you with open arms into this Farmgirl Sisterhood, into my life and into my heart...perfections, flaws and all!